By David Rusk
Revised December 8, 2021
First Written, June 1, 2019
Preface: This is the twentieth in a series of Tales from Buzzard Point that explores the rich traditions and myths surrounding the legendary DC United soccer team and its fabled history at Buzzard Point. The Tales from Buzzard Point are historical fiction and parody.
Buzzard Point Anti-Galaxy Machine Staves Off Earthquakes
The Evening Star
Special Report by Erwin Schrödinger III
May 1, 2019
Researchers affiliated with the National Earthquake Information Center (NEIC), located in Golden, Colorado, have determined that the long-secret anti-Galaxy machine under Buzzard Point also serves as an Earthquakes deterrent, according to reliable sources.
The existence of the secret anti-Galaxy machine was revealed by an Evening Star investigation in November 2016 (see Anti-Galaxy Machine).
It is deceptively disguised as underground transmission lines running from the “abandoned” Buzzard Point power plant under the east stands of DC United’s new stadium to PEPCO’s bricked-in “transmission station” occupying a full city block at First and Potomac Avenue, SW.
Now, after extensive tests, NEIC scientists have determined that the anti-Galaxy machine also relieves tectonic plate stress that would otherwise cause earthquakes such as occurred on August 23, 2011, damaging the National Cathedral and the Washington Monument among many other local structures.
After a number of tests in recent months explained by PEPCO and Dominion Power as routine, storm-related “power outages” to mask the sudden withdrawal of power from their systems, the machine will be operated full power on this Saturday, June 1, beginning at 8 pm at Buzzard Point.
The anti-Galaxy machine is also scheduled for full power use on Sunday, August 11 beginning at 7:30 pm when astrophysics have determined that the massive LAG-1, with its several brilliant stars imbedded in the galactic cloud of dark matter, will attempt a breakthrough into our universe.
Our sources say that NEIC researchers may have acted prematurely in presenting Buzzard Point with a LEED Gold Star before Wednesday’s match against the Chicago Fire.
The acronym LEED actually stands for Longitudinal Earthquake Event Deterrent, they explained, noting that most tectonic plate fault lines fall in a generally north-south, or longitudinal, orientation.
“We’ll see how well it works along an east-west clash this Saturday, they noted.