Defend the Declaration from FC Charlotte: Tale No. 24

Painting of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence by John trumbull

(Image: Archetect of the Capital; Photo modified by Doug barnes

By David Rusk

February 22, 2022

Preface: This is the Twenty-fifth in a series of Tales from Buzzard Point that explores the rich traditions and myths surrounding the legendary DC United soccer team and its fabled history at Buzzard Point. The Tales from Buzzard Point are historical fiction and parody.

Editor's Note: Black and Red United Commentator Brendanukkah brought to my attention a recent editorial in The Evening Star. The editorial concerns a rumored plot to storm the National Archives. Although the rumors are worrisome, it seems that DC United fandom has the situation well in hand.

Editorial Opinion

The Evening Star
February 24, 2022

In these times when our very democracy is under assault, protecting our country’s foundational documents becomes even more vital. None is more important than the Declaration of Independence whose immortal “self-evident words” best define the underlying ideals and values of our nation towards which we must always strive.

The original Declaration of Independence is on public view at the National Archives on 8th and Pennsylvania, NW, supposedly encased in a climate-controlled, impregnable display case.

The Original US Constitution at the National Archives

(Image: US Archives and Modified by Doug barnes

However, such security has already proven very “pregnable.” As shown in filmmaker Jerry Bruckheimer’s 2004 documentary “National Treasure”, raiders from Charlotte successfully stole the Declaration. Now, intelligence reports indicate that raiders from Charlotte are again descending on DC this Saturday, February 26. We should not rely on the National Archives’ security arrangements again.

Stepping into the security breach are the Screaming Eagles, a DC United supporter group of dedicated fans. Rhett Butler, Screaming Eagles president, proposes that the Declaration be entrusted to them and held in the Chico Stand on the north end of Audi Field at Buzzard Point amid thousands of fervent fans.

The Screaming Eagles Chico Stand in Full Throat

(Image: Donal Wine, II)

Butler assured the National Archivist that:

The Declaration would be transported by a thousands-fold March to the Match from the National Archives to Buzzard Point and returned afterwords via a victory march. The only special protection necessary for the Declaration would be to encase it in a beer-resistant container.

Nobody from Charlotte will ever steal anything from Buzzard Point. They won't be able to steal a point from the home team DC United. With the protection of thousands of Screaming Eagles, the Declaration of Independence will be safe at Buzzard Point”.

The Evening Star urges the National Archivist to accept the Screaming Eagles’ iron-clad pledge to protect the Declaration of Independence at Buzzard Point.

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