Saturday, April 1, 2017

Secret Machine Defends Buzzard Point against LA Galaxy: Tale No. 9

Pepco Electricity Sculpture Opposite Audi Field
(Image: Google Maps,2021)

By David Rusk


Revised November 28, 2021
First Published by Black and Red United, April 1, 2017

Preface: This is the ninth in a series of Tales from Buzzard Point that explores the rich traditions and myths surrounding the legendary DC United soccer team and its fabled history at Buzzard Point. The Tales from Buzzard Point are historical fiction and parody. 

Editors Note: Having been left abysmally ignorant of science by my economics major and Spanish minor education at the University of California at Berkeley decades ago, I make it my business to read carefully everything about science published in the Evening Star. I was surprised that this recent article was buried in the Features section rather than front-page news.

Anti-Galaxy Machine Revealed in Washington, DC


The Evening Star
November 11, 2016

A decommissioned Pepco power plant, widely believed to be abandoned after its dynamo was removed, in fact, houses a secret machine engineered to repel a destructive galaxy, an Evening Star investigation has revealed.

The anti-galaxy machine’s powerful rays will be transmitted through what is publicly characterized as an electric transmission line easement under Buzzard Point and Audi Field, D.C. United’s new soccer stadium.

Pepco's Decommissioned Power Plan
(Image: Wikipedia Commons)

Confronted with irrefutable evidence from our investigation, Dr. Werner von Hokkum of the Laser Extraferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LEGO) acknowledged that the device is being built to defend against the periodic invasion of a dark matter-rich galaxy.

“We discerned evidence of this new dark matter galaxy (titled LAG-1) shortly after LEGO discovered Dragonfly 44 this past spring,” von Hokkum explained. “It was hidden behind Dragonfly 44 and visible very briefly only because LAG-1 had several brilliant stars imbedded in the galactic cloud of dark matter.”

“In fact, LAG-1 may normally occupy its own alternate universe,” von Hokkum continued. “It may breakthrough into our own universe periodically. Our cosmologists have calculated that such attempted breakthroughs will occur every two years right here at Buzzard Point.”

Why is it so important to resist an invasion by LAG-1?

“Normally — if ‘normal’ is a word that can be used in discussing such still little understood phenomena — most dark matter interacts very little even with itself,” von Hokkum cautioned. LAG-1 is different. It is so influential that it seems to write the rules of its universe to suit itself.”

“If LAG-1 were allowed to triumph here at Buzzard Point, it might be the end of our world as we know it,” von Hokkum concluded.

PEPCO Transformer Station Providing Electricity to Buzzard Point
(Image: Doug Barnes)

Though Buzzard Point’s anti-galaxy machine will require extraordinary amounts of electricity to repel LAG-1 successfully, von Hokkum would not confirm that its massive storage batteries would be charged by diverting power periodically from other PEPCO and Dominion Virginia Power customers. Such alleged diversions would be disguised as “power outages” attributable to storms in Northern Virginia and Suburban Maryland.

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